At world’s end – well, Chew Magna

The Mendip Farmers’ Skittles League takes us to many towns and villages, but surely our furthest drive of the season was last night to Chew Magna.

After driving for what seemed like an eternity, especially as it was so foggy, we finally arrived at the rather nice Queen’s Arms. Joe did a sterling job as driver despite ignoring his sat nav on numerous occasions, and being told off by the posh voice in the process.

Victory was ours as well, once again beating the top side in the division. To be honest, I am surprised how easy we were able to beat Sparks soundly two weeks in a row. The win puts us right back at the top of the table and in contention for the title.

Top scorer was Wyatt Earp (who is having his best season in years) with a disciplined 44, followed by the Fat Controller with 42 and Nashy with 40. Hurricane Hellard was in the Chair and not doing too badly until he got a big fat zero on his last hand! His score of 29 drew with Skipper though so at least it got money off someone.

I hit 35 which was not bad considering I was tackling the Five Half-Pint Challenge (see earlier blog). My time in this dropped considerably for my rather poor effort a year ago. I did it in a storming 23 minutes and five seconds, and kept it all down, unlike after our skittles Christmas meal last week.

Ah yes, the Christmas meal. I can’t really remember very much of it, but from what I do recall it was good fun. There was rather a lot of drink downed, the food was lovely and DJ’s new missus didn’t seem too scared by us all so I think, all in all, it was a success. I’m not sure my delightful other half would agree, though, having to deal with a rather ill Tim the following morning.

We now hit our Christmas break, with the next scheduled game being a friendly for players and their partners on January 7 at home. This is because we were due to play the team which has pulled out of the league. Anyway, until then…

Go for wood, merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Tim

Player of the week: We’d best start with me (pictured right), I guess. What can be said about me that hasn’t been said before? Well, that I’m fat and I have lots of hair really. I’ve been a member of Team Clothier for eight seasons or so and self-nominated myself vice-captain. I can often be found at Team Clothier matches tapping people up for stories for the paper or shouting abuse to DJ…

Title challenge back on track

After a dip in form that a charging Light Brigade would be proud of, Team Clothier got back into title contention with a win by eight against the unbeaten league leaders last night.

Consistent performances all round and our opposition struggling a bit meant we were able to stay in contention when we had a bad leg and stretched away with the finishing line in sight.

Pasty lead the way, hitting 52 in the Chair and winning money off of everyone. He seems to play better whenever money is involved so we might have to introduce a win bonus for him.

All the other scores were in the 40s apart from DJ and Joe The New Kid who both hit 37. They ended well but started dodgier than a 1980s rock star’s haircut.

After my appalling performance last time out, I was playing on the bottom and I hit my top score of the season! I hit 50, including my first flopper of the year – serve them right for leaving me out of the team…

At this point I must make a mention to the honourable website of the Berkeley and District Skittles League. They have kindly put a link to this fine blog on their site so hopefully we will soon get comments from as far afield as, well, Gloucestershire. Check out their site at http://www.berkeleydsl.org.uk/index.php.

We are halfway through the season and the fixtures now reverse. This means we play the team we played last night next week as well – Tuesday night in fact at the Queen’s Arms in Chew Magna. I’ve never been to the pub, let alone played there, and apparently the alley is long and difficult. Before that, though, we have our annual Team Clothier Christmas meal, about which I’m sure there will be many amusing stories to tell in the next Inside For Beginners. Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the Week: Playing on the bottom – a player on the bottom will be there because he or she hit a rubbish score the week before, and needs to hit a higher score than a player in the team to get back into the eight people who have their scores counted. This is the final Definition of the Week, as from next week it will be replaced by Player of the Week!

A return to last season

Last year, Team Clothier just could not win a game due to low scores and in particular spare opportunities missed. Sadly this form appears to have returned for us!

Last night we played the jovial team captained by Dave Watts, even though he wasn’t there, and we lost by 20, hitting a rather pants total and generally harking back to the dark days of last season.

I didn’t help, hitting a rubbish 33! Y’know those games sometimes, when you step up to play and you just know the ball is going to go where you aim? Well, I had a match exactly the opposite. The number of times I just clipped the front or quarter pins and just took a pin or two really frustrated me. It left me with a horrible frame each time and then all I could hope for was a hard-working 6.

The Fat Controller did not fare any better as he only hit 33 as well but it was not bad news all round. Pasty hit an impressive 51, as he actually took his spare chance. Nashy hit 47, and Mr T Lethaby Snr hit 41 in the chair, taking money off six of us.

We are nearing the midway point of the season and it looks like our division is going to be a close three-way fight for the two promotion spots. Our next two games are against the top team so they could be the deciding weeks of the season.

We are happy with how things have gone so far, but are a bit worried with our little slump, a la Arsenal and William Gallas (pictured) at the moment. The question is: how happy are you with your skittles team’s performance so far? Get commenting if things are going spectacularly good or bad!

Next week we don’t have a game as we were due to play the team Crozier, but they have pulled out of the league. Therefore the next fixture is at home again against Sparks, the aforementioned top side. Time to get into training! Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the week: Foot fault – where you step over the foot fault line, supposedly giving you an advantage. In reality, it quite often does the opposite, and in some alleys there is not even one marked!

Hip, hip hooray! (But not for the result)

One of Team Clothier had a rather unusual conversation with his doctor this week.

Hurricane Hellard has been having hip problems and went to see his quack about it. Pointing at his side, he explained to the doc that the hip which had previously been replaced was playing up badly and was making him uncomfortable.

The doctor nodded as he listened intently to what Hurricane was saying. After hearing all about the pain, the doctor replied: “But it was your other hip we replaced…”

Hurricane was convinced but after much discussion and a check of the hospital records, it turned out that the GP was right and Hurricane had thought the wrong hip had been done all along.

Suffice to say, he wasn’t at skittles last night, and we all hope his non-replaced hip isn’t giving him too much trouble. Also, it’s good to see how well the Fat Controller is progressing after his operation.

Unfortunately, though, we lost for the first time in the league last night against a team also looking for promotion this year. The game ebbed and flowed with first us taking the lead, and then our opposition (Witts at Pilton Working Mens’ Club).

Going into the last leg, we trailed by only 1. However, they hit an excellent last leg leaving us 67 to win. We did OK, but it came down to me needing to hit 15 to win. I sent my first ball down perfectly to get a flopper, or at least 7. At the last minute it veered off to just clip the front pin and make a spare nearly impossible. In the end we lost by 8.

Pasty led the score sheets with 54 (I think, but then the game was even more exciting than individual scores this week) including starting with two spares. Nashy was in the chair and hit 45, drawing from more than half the team. I hit 44 to keep my solid season going.

Next week, we are back home at the Poacher’s Pocket and hopefully we will halt the little wobble we are on at the moment. We should have a full squad available so the pressure for places will be back on. Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the week: Sticker-up – the poor young person, normally a spotty teenager being paid a pittance, who has to put the pins back up for both teams. We don’t normally give them much work to do, but they are issued with a hard hat when DJ is playing.

Free to concentrate on the league

I have just returned from 10 days in sunny Florida, holidaying with the fiancée and the youngsters in DisneyWorld. A wonderful time was had by all, and the only part of my body which I sunburnt was my feet!

However, while we were off enjoying the wildlife at Animal Kingdom, Cinderella’s Castle at Magic Kingdom (pictured) and the spectacle that is Indiana Jones at Disney Hollywood Studios, the skittles matches went on.

First up was the front pin first, four-a-side cup for Team Clothier, and this is not our favourite event. Normally, when Skipper says: “It’s front pin first next week, who wants to make up the team?” he is met with a deathly silence.

The four unfortunate souls who did play were Pasty, Nashy, Nashy’s dad and DJ. Nashy and Pasty did OK with scores in the 30s, but Old Man Nash only hit 12. And then came DJ…

Try as he might, DJ could not hit that front pin and ended up with a total of, wait for it, five. That’s only five over the whole six legs! It does beg the question – what’s your lowest ever front pin first score? Mine’s 12…

Nevertheless, undeterred, DJ fought back in the third round of the proper cup, top scoring with 50. Played at the George Inn, Gurney Slade, Team Clothier was playing a side from Division B, two divisions higher than us.

We made a good fight of it, being only two down going into the last leg, but the pressure proved to be too much as we ended up losing by 21. However, this means we are left to concentrate on the league, of course…

Next week, we play on Thursday at the Pilton Working Mens’ Club, a venue which has seen us win a few times in the past. Let’s hope that continues, even if I am playing on the bottom as I missed the cup game. Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the week: Dam buster – A shot which is bounced down the alley, rather than rolled. This can sometimes lead to eyebrows being raised by the landlord and hard hats being worn by the two teams.

An all-time great quote

It was one of those great classic quotes, the timing of which was perfect. Team Clothier was under the cosh for the first time this season and things weren’t looking good. Wyatt Earp (pictured) then steps up and throws down two decent balls but he had only hit four down so far.

"How many are left?" he called down to the sticker-upper.

"You’ve still got the back pin up," came our reply, to which he innocently said: "on which side?" We fell about laughing – pure genius!

Anyway, that broke the tension, we relaxed and ended up romping to another victory. We won by 13 which is our smallest victory this season, but we were up against our biggest test.

The team we were playing, Currell who play at East Harptree Club, had their seventh player get a flopper on his first two hands which set them up nicely, but we fought back over the final four legs. Of course, it begs the question: what’s the most number of hands in a row that you have got floppers in?

For Team Clothier, Hurricane Hellard hit form with 52 and Joe The New Kid also topped 50 with 51. I hit 46, which was ahead of the top two in our team’s averages – Nashy and Pasty.

Skipper was in the chair and for once the thought of money did not inspire him. He hit 42 and had to pay more team-mates than he drew money from.

Our game next week has been postponed due to half of the team being on holiday (not all together I hasten to add), myself included. I am checking out the delights of DisneyWorld so when I get back I will probably play skittles wearing a pair of Mickey Mouse ears. The week I’m back, my team-mates have the first round of the front pin first cup and the third round of the "proper" cup so I will blog on those when I get back. Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the week: Film star – something I am now aspiring to, following my debut on video. Check our my colleague’s blog Here Comes Christmas at http://here-comes-christmas.blogspot.com/

Clash of the titans

It was like the Clash Of The Titans as the top two sides in Division D of the Mendip Farmers League came head-to-head last night - and after a slightly iffy start, Team Clothier came out on top!

We beat the team called Young by 30 pins to create our biggest run of wins since I've been playing for the team. Our opposition hadn't lost this season either but had drawn twice and they had some good skittlers in their team. However, once we got our noses in front we stretched away.

Nashy top scored for the second week in succession by hitting 45 thanks to a flopper and some consistent play. Then came Joe The New Kid who also hit a spare and the Fat Controller, who we all wish good luck to as he was going into hospital today for an op.

I was in the chair for the first time this season and ended up just up having drawn from four and paid out three players. My 40 keeps my average pretty decent (42.67 in case you were wondering). Thankfully playing helps my stiffness following my recent accidents...

We were playing at the Lamb Inn at Clandown which was a bit of a hike for some of us. It's a weird old pub which seems to go on for ever, smells of wee a bit and had people playing table tennis in one room. The alley was quite long and the pins small but once it warmed up we got the hang of it.

We look to take our unbeaten run on next Wednesday with a home match at the Poacher's Pocket. Can we make it nine in a row? And if you play in a team, please comment to let me know you're longest winning streak so we can try and beat it! Anyway, until then...

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the week: Off the side - often shouted when you shank a ball into the side of the alley and any pins it subsequently knocks down are put back up. The more you have to drink, the more often this phrase is used...

A bit of a prang

My skittles playing was somewhat curtailed this week by a blithering idiot who decided to drive head on into my car. Pootling back from band practice nice and safely my car got smacked in the front by a driver "swerving to miss a deer". Hmm... sure you were mate, most of us swerve to miss deers by going on to the wrong side of the road for some distance at 80mph.

Anyway check out my destroyed car (pictured right) and then you will realise why I couldn't play skittles this week. I couldn't miss out on writing this blog though so I pass over the keyboard to team member extraordinaire Pasty for a report on the game:

Team Clothier have won again and this time by another massive margin of 57!! Our pin average is looking a bit good this year!! We were back at our home alley at the Poacher's Pocket and hosting A Bown, an all-women team, that put up quite a spirited fight, but couldn't quite match our fine form of late.
Also we were playing with a weakened team without the likes of Lethaby Jnr and DJ, both who had been involved in car accidents. They really must stop hitting people, or is that the other way round?!! Nashy top scored with 53 followed by Skipper with 46. The rest were close behind and in the 40s. Except at the other end of the spectrum was the Fat Controller who hid a shocking 32. He seemed more interested in chatting up the ladies on the opposing team - what a Leg End!!

Thanks for that Pasty, a fine report I think all will agree?! Our next match is Monday at the Lamb Inn, Clandown, which is miles away! Hopefully I will be fit enough to resume in the team. Anyway, until then...

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the Week: Ladies - A word usually shouted from the opposing team when the Fat Controller is on the alley to distract him...

A cup upset

The season just gets better and better for Team Clothier. Last night we beat a team from two divisions higher than us in the knockout cup – and by 28! We are now through to the third round for the first time since I’ve been in the team, which is about a decade.

Our B Division opposition, Dyke from the Pheasant at Worth, won the first leg, but we won every other leg even when they pulled some good scores out of the bag. We hit five spares, and generally played really well. We now like to think that we are having a good season as we have proved we can beat a B Division team.

As far as scores go, Joe The New Kid played a blinder and he is really coming good for the team. He hit 51 which is good scoring, even if it was a left-hander’s alley! Just behind him was Wyatt Earp with his second 50 of the season. DJ was in the Chair and was only doing OK early doors, but then he hit a spare on his last hand to draw money off half the team. He hit 47 I think but certainly got money off me as I scored 44.

We were playing down the Horseshoe in Shepton Mallet, the first time we have done so since it reopened. Run now by Ken and Steph Turner (pictured), it is really nice to have a decent pub in the town again! They seem to be doing well, and they’ve done a good job in the refit. The alley is a touch odd though, nice and short, but the old fireplace sticks out into where you stand to bowl. It was a good job Hurricane Hellard wasn’t playing last night or he could have done himself a mischief!

Next week we are back in league action at home in the Poacher’s Pocket (I had a lovely roast dinner there on Sunday, by the way). Hopefully the league will send the newspaper the tables soon so everyone can see how we are doing! We want to keep our six-game winning streak going on Wednesday next week whatever. Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the week: Danger pin – As in calls of “that’s the danger pin gone” when on your first ball you just take one pin, normally down the side. I hear that far too often…

How times have changed

This week’s Inside For Beginners has a historic theme to it as this cartoon was unearthed in the newspaper’s archives. It shows the Westbrook Wanderers team and the men who played for them. They all look fine gentlemen, but I’m a bit worried that one is called "Shaky" Oliver, who either got very nervous before a game or very cold…

As you can see, the look is somewhat different to Team Clothier (see our picture in the first post of this blog) and I wonder if we will survive the test of time any better than they have? Also, I wonder if any of the Westbrook Wanderers are still around – it would be good to get a comment from them if they are.

Anyway, on to this week’s game, and it was another comprehensive victory for us! We strolled home by 45 for the second week running, after winning every leg. I now make it that we have played five, won five, and have a pin difference of plus 219. Not bad…

Top scorer was Mr T Lethaby Snr who hit 50, and who was the player who reacquainted himself best with the alley at the George in Gurney Slade, which used to be our home strip. I hit 41 which was OK considering I was very inconsistent, and generally scores were pretty good.

We need another nickname though. Alan has played for the team for years, but we weren’t sure how many games he would be able to play this season. However, he should be able to make it plenty of times so therefore needs a nickname, especially as he was in the Chair and had to pay most people last night apart from the Fat Controller. Any suggestions, please comment…

Next week should be our first real test as we play a B Division team in the knock-out cup. The game will be on Tuesday at the Horseshoe in Shepton Mallet, which has recently reopened and means there finally is a decent pub in the town. Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the week: Flopper – When a player hits all nine pins down with one ball, a feat which we rarely achieve. It is categorically not about anyone’s performance in the bedroom…

The five half-pint challenge

This is all getting a bit silly – this week we won by 45. For the last couple of seasons we barely won by more than 10, if we won at all. This season we haven’t won by less than 32!

Pasty top scored with 53 and he was the only person Hurricane Hellard had to pay in the Chair. I scored 44, which was just above average, with the lowest score being 39 from the Fat Controller, which isn’t too bad.

There were two other forms of entertainment though. Firstly, it was a slightly tiddled Skipper, who had been on the ciders at the Mendip Ploughing Match all day.

Secondly, there was DJ, whose birthday it is today – happy birthday, you old boozer! As it was the game closest to his birthday, as is tradition, he had to see how quickly he could drink a half of lager, a half of Guinness, a half of cider, a half of real ale and a half of double vodka and lemonade.

This sounds easier than it is, as I showed when it took me a whopping 35-ish minutes last year. Pasty has done it in 29 minutes and Nashy in 22. There are people we know who have done it is 57 seconds, but they didn’t keep it all down afterwards so that doesn’t count. DJ, though, smashed the non-chunder record in an impressive four minutes, 50 seconds.

Therefore, my question this week for you to comment on is: how quick have you done the five half-pint challenge, or reckon you could do it in?

Next week we play away from home again, down the George at Gurney Slade on Tuesday. The George used to be our home alley, so it’ll be interesting how it has changed. Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the Week: Drink on nine – normally shouted when you have only one ball left and a pin on the far left and another on the far right. I’ve only seen one drink achieved out of this set-up…

Keeping up the 100% record

Another week, another large victory for Team Clothier. We are liking this D Division malarkey!
Apparently we are top of the table on pin difference so another big win has got to strengthen our position.

This time round we won by 32, but I didn’t feature in the team. I’ve had a rather nasty car accident and I’m walking around like a croquet hoop so I had to take the very important role as Chalky (see Definition of the Week below).

Nashy and the Fat Controller top scored with impressive 48s, but these were the only two Pasty in the Chair had to pay out to. He hit 47, with most of the other guys slotting in just behind.

The team we were playing are in their first season of skittles, were a fun bunch and were a real mix of ages. The game was played at East Harptree Club which has a bizarre concrete alley and a TV screen for everyone to see how many pins you hit down. Thankfully the rubber balls they had there have mercifully gone, and scores were higher than normal at the venue.

The question for this week’s blog which I want answering is: what’s the weirdest alley you’ve ever played on? The Harptree Club’s one has got to be up there…

By the way, a quick mention must be made to the website www.londonskittles.co.uk which has a link to this blog on it, and features all sorts of other skittles bits and bobs. It does appear to focus on a form of skittles that involves cheese (no, really) so go there and enlighten yourself.

Next week we aim to continue our 100% winning start to the season at home again at the Poacher’s Pocket. Until then…

Go for wood!

Sicknote Tim

Definition of the week: Chalky – the person who’s job it is to chalk up the names and scores on the alley blackboard (no interactive white boards like at school here!). To qualify as Chalky you must not be able to pay attention to the game going on around you or be able to add up.

A crushing victory

Simply unbelievable – Team Clothier excelled itself this week in our first home game of the season. Playing a team from the wilds of Ridgehill, we romped to a 90-pin victory. 90 pins! That is a thrashing only a sado-masochist would enjoy.

There were strong performances from all the boys, with Wyatt Earp being the star with a well-earned 50. I came in at 47, and everyone else scored well, taking money off the Chair in most cases (see previous blog for definition!).

The first controversial moment of the season reared its head though – the old chestnut of the no-ball line. Now, in C Division last year it was never really called, and we’re not too bothered about it, thinking that the further back you are, the better angle you have on the pins. However, there were a few comments from our opposition when Wyatt Earp and Hurricane Hellard threw a few which went just beyond the line. We promptly stood back and made sure it did not happen again, but is it really that much to worry about?

What do you think? Get commenting and we’ll see what the consensus is. I personally reckon is a load of fuss about nothing…

By the way, John’s nickname is now officially the Fat Controller!

It was nice being back at the Poacher’s Pocket for our home games, the new owners (well, they’ve been there months now) are really bringing it back up to popularity and it was nice to see so many there. Next week, we play on Thursday at East Harptree Club, with its concrete alley, rubber balls, and TV screen to watch the game by. Bizarre… Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the Week: Loose – The sort of shot which disappears down the gutter when you were aiming for the front pin. The word comes from the calls of: "That was as loose as your…" I’ll let you work out the rest.

Off to a flyer

What a glorious start to the season for Team Clothier – a win by 52! Surely life in Division D won’t be like this all the time?

With our opposition struggling to make up their eight players, we took advantage, winning every leg apart from one which we drew. Our last leg contained the only spare of the night, from Pasty, and was a 62 which is damned good for us.

Pasty led the way by hitting 47, helped by that spare, with Hurricane Hellard hitting 44, Nashy 41 in the Chair (see Definition of the Week) and me 40.

DJ might find himself out of the team next week with just a 34 but he was unlucky, his mind was clearly on his six (count ’em) dates he has over the next week or so!

We were playing at the Mendip Inn, so we were all pretty happy with our scores. We basically hate that alley as it is like playing skittles with Coke cans as pins and with rough-edged eggs for balls. There was no-one there either and I’m told the place will be sold soon, so who knows, the alley might have improved by the next time we play there!

It was decided at the game that John needs a nickname. We could only come up with rude or libellous ones, so I want you guys, the readers of this blog, to decide. Post your comments and I’ll pick the best one!

Our next match is Wednesday next week, our first home game of the season at the Poacher’s Pocket. Hopefully we can keep up our unbeaten run… Until then,

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the Week: In The Chair – Rotating through the team so a different player is in the Chair each week, the Chair is the beacon for which all others should follow. At the end of the game anyone who beats the Chair gets 50p from him and anyone who draws or is beaten by the Chair has to pay 50p. Suffice to say, it can bankrupt some of us…

Welcome to Inside For Beginners

Hello!
Welcome to Inside For Beginners, a new blog for the skittles players of mid-Somerset. There are thousands of us out there, so I thought it was about time we had our own space to talk about the action and the banter from the alleys.

First let me tell you about me – I’m in my eighth season (I think) of playing in the team L Clothier in the Mendip Farmers League. Over the years I’ve improved to such a degree that I can now describe myself as pants rather than rubbish. I’ve been the opener for years, but following our relegation to the heady heights of Division D (out of four divisions) I’m going to have a crack at being anchor man this year.

The team has been going for about 40 years or so, and is an amusing mix of old-timers and "young guns" (well, we are on the downwards slope to 30…). I will be writing this blog after every game talking about how we get on and the pubs we play in, and whatever else is on my mind! I want your views too, so get commenting! Also, every week I will be offering a definition of some of the most well known skittles terms which may be double Dutch to some people.

Team Clothier (as we like to call ourselves but are open to sponsorship!) is made up from me, Skipper, Mr T Lethaby Snr, Pasty, DJ, Nashy, Hurricane Hellard, Wyatt Earp, John and Joe The New Kid. We were all ready for our first match last night, psyched up, pumped, ready to go in the cup… and the other team failed to turn up! Not ones to avoid a game of skittles, we claimed the game and then played killer, which DJ somehow won.

Next week is our first league game, away at the Mendip Inn on Tuesday where, to be honest, the alley is a bit on the tricky side… Anyway, until then…

Go for wood!

Tim

Definition of the week: Inside for Beginners – a shot which a blind man would find a walk in the park but somehow you manage to chuff up big stylee